Title: 22 Minutes Author: nevdull Rating: R (language) Category: S/H Summary: Here's the pitch: It's a real heart-warmer, a family show that touches everyone. The kids'll love it, and grandma too. Notes: At end. FOX KNOWS BEST Episode 1x05: Eight is Enough INT. Typical American living room. Flower-printed curtains, matching wallpaper, cheery knick-knacks. The only anomalous item is the framed poster over the fireplace mantel: "I Want to Believe". SFX: Door slam. MULDER enters from left. He is wearing a blue suit and carrying a briefcase. A NY KNICKS sticker is affixed to the briefcase. MULDER: Honey, I'm home! [AUDIENCE applauds.] SCULLY enters from left. She is wearing an apron and holding a pair of salad tongs. SCULLY: Hi sweetheart! [AUDIENCE applauds.] MULDER: It's great to see you, dear. Fixing dinner? SCULLY: Fixing the cat. SFX (offstage): Reeoooow! [AUDIENCE laughs.] MULDER (rolling eyes): My little surgeon! They embrace. SCULLY: How was work, hon? MULDER (putting down the suitcase): What a day! I spent all day working on those expense reports, and Mr. Skinner wouldn't approve a single item! MULDER hands her a piece of paper. SCULLY (looking skeptical): "20 cans of Yeti-B-Gone"? [AUDIENCE laughs.] MULDER: What's wrong with that? SCULLY: They don't exist! MULDER: Oh, Dana! [AUDIENCE applauds.] SFX: Door slam. GIBSON (entering): Daddy, what's a "money shot"? [AUDIENCE applauds wildly.] MULDER and SCULLY roll their eyes. SCULLY: Oh, sweetheart, how many times do we have to tell you not to read your Dad's mind? MULDER (petting GIBSON's head): At least not while your mother's around! [AUDIENCE laughs.] GIBSON: Aw, shucks. SCULLY: How was school? GIBSON: Got a B on my science test. MULDER and SCULLY gasp. GIBSON (looking guilty): They asked me where life originated, and I said "Reticulon." [AUDIENCE laughs.] MULDER: Kiddo, next time just put down whatever the teacher thinks is right. Now run upstairs -- your mother's going to get dinner ready. GIBSON: Chinese take-out on the floor AGAIN? SCULLY (waving the tongs): Not one word out of you, young man, or it's back to the irradiated nuclear core. GIBSON sighs and runs upstairs. Briefly, he reappears. GIBSON: Daddy, what's a "golden shower"? MULDER: GIBSON! GIBSON exits. [AUDIENCE applauds.] MULDER and SCULLY embrace. SCULLY: Oh, Fox, I'm so looking forward to a quiet evening at home. MULDER: Me too, Dana. SCULLY (pausing to examine his arm): What's this? It looks like a puncture wound. MULDER: Gee, honey. I don't know. SCULLY: Did get bumped or jostled at work today? Feel any unusual pricks? GIBSON (offscreen): Daddy, who's Alex Krycek? MULDER: Gibson, shut your door! SFX: Door slam. MULDER: Really, nothing. Just an ordinary day of paperwork, reports, and high-level conspiracies. SCULLY: All in a day's work for a normal family! They kiss. [Commercial break.] Oldsmobile Intrigue(tm)! [End commercial break.] INT. Typical American dining room. SCULLY and MULDER are at opposite ends of the table, GIBSON is in the middle. There is a large PICTURE WINDOW in the background. MULDER (waving his fork, with mouth full): See, Gibson, we're eating in the dining room after all. GIBSON: But it's the same dinner we had last night! MULDER and SCULLY look at each other knowingly. SCULLY: No dear, it's different. GIBSON: Nuh-uh! I saw the take-out containers in the refrigerator! MULDER: How would you know it's the food we're eating? GIBSON: Because there's nothing else in the refrigerator besides that, a four-year-old packet of mustard and an alien fetus in a jar! [AUDIENCE laughs.] SCULLY: _Possible_ alien fetus. MULDER & AUDIENCE: Oh, Dana! [AUDIENCE laughs harder.] SFX: Door bell. MULDER (looking relieved): I'll get it! MULDER runs out of the room. SCULLY and GIBSON look at each other uneasily. GIBSON: Mommy, what's so special about Philadelphia? SCULLY: Eat your dinner. MULDER-CLONE enters. He looks just like MULDER, except for an especially emotionless expression and a stiff walk. GIBSON and SCULLY continue eating. SCULLY: Who was it, Fox? MULDER-CLONE: It was nothing. Please continue your family meal without interruption. SCULLY shrugs. GIBSON looks confused but says nothing. MULDER- CLONE picks up a fork and holds it awkwardly by the wrong end. MULDER-CLONE: I am on a quest for The Truth. SCULLY (while chewing): Oh honey, that again? Can't you ever think about anything else? The real MULDER, wearing no clothes, appears briefly in the picture window. He waves frantically, mouthing the names "SCULLY" and "GIBSON". He is then dragged away by unseen perpetrators. Meanwhile, dinner progresses. MULDER-CLONE: I am searching for my sister, Samantha. SCULLY (frowning): Didn't you find her? MULDER-CLONE (hesitantly): Cassandra Spender is The One. GIBSON: But I thought I was The One! SCULLY (putting hand on MULDER-CLONE's forehead): Are you feeling okay? MULDER-CLONE (slapping her hand away): I am the key figure in a government conspiracy! GIBSON: I wanna be The One! SCULLY rises and backs away. MULDER-CLONE: I... I'm no psychologist... SCULLY: Honey, what's wrong? MULDER-CLONE (panicking): Pansperm... Biogen... Ecto... GIBSON: I NEVER get what I want! MULDER-CLONE: Abort. Abort. Self-termination program initiated. MULDER-CLONE plams himself in the back of the neck with the fork, falling face-forward onto his dinner plate. SCULLY (just realizing): Oh my God, it's not really Mulder! [AUDIENCE gasps.] GIBSON: What are we going to do? MULDER-CLONE begins to sizzle. SCULLY: Whoever will help us now? Suddenly, a figure drops in from above (with no obvious means of entrance). It is KRYCEK, dressed all in black and holding a pistol. SCULLY screams and grabs GIBSON, holding him to her. KRYCEK spins around wildly, eyes settling on the green pile of goo that was once MULDER-CLONE. SCULLY: Alex! Why you startled me! Will you help us find Fox? KRYCEK (frowning): "Alex?" What is this first name shit? SCULLY (hysterical): I think he's been kidnapped! KRYCEK: Why are you wearing an apron? GIBSON: Your mind sounds different. KRYCEK (eyeing SCULLY): Probably because it hasn't been through the wash like everyone else around here. What the fuck is going on? I came to kill Mulder and instead I find this drizzled puddle of alien drool and "Leave It To Agent Beaver." SCULLY: Oh, please save us, Alex! KRYCEK (incredulous): A guy goes underground for a few years and everything's different. If you can't respect your enemies, who can you respect? SCULLY: Oh, please save us, Alex! KRYCEK: You'd better re-check your script, darling -- I think it's stuck. But I'll help you anyway. If I'm gonna hear dialogue like this, I'd rather hear it from a pretty face, and you're not my type. SCULLY: Oh, thank you Alex! KRYCEK: Save it for somebody who knows how to care. I'd say let's go, but for once I don't know where we're going. GIBSON points to the hole in the dining room table where the MULDER-CLONE face had been planted. GIBSON: I do. [Commercial break.] Moody Atmospheric Series Premiere!(tm) [End commercial break.] EXT. of abandoned warehouse. There is a large CHAIN-LINK FENCE blocking the entrance. SCULLY, KRYCEK and GIBSON enter stealthily from the left. SCULLY is still wearing her apron but has pinned her FBI badge to it. SCULLY (lagging behind): Wait, Alex! I think I broke a heel! [AUDIENCE laughs.] KRYCEK (noticing her apron): Why the fuck are you still wearing that? And haven't I seen you outrun grown men in those heels? GIBSON: Be quiet! We're here -- this is the place the clone was thinking about. SCULLY (still cheery): Wait right there! I'm on my way. KRYCEK shakes his head in disbelief and proceeds off-stage to the right. GIBSON and eventually SCULLY follow. As soon as they are gone, DIANA and CSM emerge from the darkness. [AUDIENCE hisses and boos.] DIANA (arm stroking CSM's chest): It looks like our plan worked, my love. They've fallen right into our trap. CSM (ignoring her advances): My plan. DIANA (moving her fingers through his hair): Of course. CSM (blowing a cloud of smoke): As soon as Scully brings the boy into the laboratory where I've stored the Mulder clones, I'll have them right where I want them. DIANA (running her tongue along his neck): Yeth, oh yeth. CSM: I will take away that with which they will not live without. DIANA: Muufm. CSM: There is more than one way to break a man's spirit. DIANA: Uhhh. KRYCEK appears from around the CHAIN-LINK FENCE. He is dragging along a line of seven identical MULDERS - the actual MULDER and six MULDER-CLONES. SCULLY and GIBSON follow behind. KRYCEK keeps his gun trained on CSM and DIANA. CSM: My God! KRYCEK: Not your line, pal, sorry. My condolences to the previous owner. MULDER-CLONE3 appears to search for his cell phone. CSM: Alex, where have you been? KRYCEK: Oh, you know -- here, there, places that actually make some fucking sense. And since I'd like to get back to the latter, let's get this show on the road. Which one of these is your illegitimate darling boy? MULDER-CLONE5 (looking behind a shrub): Samantha? CSM (smugly): These are the pinnacle achievements in our scientific endeavors. You'll never be able to find the real Fox Mulder -- these are perfect copies. MULDER-CLONE1 begins sobbing in guilt. MULDER-CLONE7 points an invisible pistol in CSM's face. MULDER and CLONES 2-6 stare expressionlessly at nothing. SCULLY (bending down): Gibson, honey? You've got to help us. GIBSON: Help you find out which is my real Dad? KRYCEK (to SCULLY): He must ask you that all the time. CSM (to KRYCEK): Tell me about it. GIBSON paces back and forth in front of the line-up of MULDERS. The AUDIENCE draws an expectant breath. Finally, GIBSON sighs. GIBSON: They all sound the same. CSM (exhaling dramatically): Of course. SCULLY (clutching KRYCEK's arm): You've got to help us! KRYCEK: I got it, babe. [He shakes off her hand.] And go easy on the nails -- I lost my spare. KRYCEK steps away from the line-up, and instructs SCULLY and GIBSON to do the same. Still pointing his weapon at CSM and DIANA, he disengages the safety. CSM (ultra-smug): You think you can threaten me? Better men than you have tried. KRYCEK: Yes. But not today. KRYCEK whips around and points the gun at the first MULDER-CLONE. After a moment, he fires. The CLONE stumbles back but does not fall down. Toxic gas begins to spew from its wound. KRYCEK repeats the action with the second, third and fourth clones. When he is finally pointing his gun at the real MULDER, CSM cries out. CSM: No! Kill him and you risk turning one man's obsession into a crusade! KRYCEK: That never did make any sense to me. KRYCEK turns the gun back on CSM, and fires. CSM falls. DIANA: CGB! DIANA crouches down with him for a moment, and then stands back up, weeping. DIANA: My life no longer has meaning! KRYCEK: You don't say. DIANA: I am ready to die with my lover. Take me! DIANA rips off her shirt, bearing her blinding white bra. The remaining MULDER-CLONES immediately dissolve where they stand. KRYCEK (lowering his gun): Ew. MULDER runs to SCULLY. They embrace. SCULLY: Oh, Fox, I thought you were gone forever. MULDER: Dear Dana, I would never leave you. KRYCEK steps between them. DIANA has run off. KRYCEK (to MULDER and SCULLY): Now, I think we've all learned something today? SCULLY: We have? KRYCEK: Well, I have: you people are fucking nuts. I'm used to being the only guy on the gig who knows the score, but this is ridiculous -- if I wanted to battle domestic bliss and interior design, I'd be the bad guy on "Martha Stewart Living". So if I ever have to swing through this part of town again, I want to see some genuine animosity, lack of consideration and overt bitchiness or I'll see both your contracts renegotiated into 2012, okay? There is a long pause. Finally, GIBSON speaks. GIBSON: I think I wet my pants. MULDER and SCULLY descend on the boy: "We'll go right home," "Don't be upset, son,", etc. They shuffle him offscreen. KRYCEK alone remains, shaking his head and removing a cellular phone from his leather jacket. He dials some numbers, then puts the phone to his ear. KRYCEK: Tell the network in no uncertain terms: "Fuck your spin- off." He hangs up and walks away. FIN ------ If life were a sitcom, JET would be the crazy neighbor the audience cheers for. I know how they feel. http://nevdull.tripod.com/ --nev